Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
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I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Realize this:
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
how much for the angry fruit?
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?