Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
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I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
“HELP WITH CAT”
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
what
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.