explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
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I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*