Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
You Might Also Like
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Day 2 of my diet
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…