You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
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They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger