You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
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5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
my friends when i can’t do basic math
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.