[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
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Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
eggs benadryl
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest