CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
You Might Also Like
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*