My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
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Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
this is 10/10 content no notes
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.