why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
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9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*