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*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
it was a valiant fight
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
October already? What’s next? November????
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
i wish all
whales
a very
big
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree