angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
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future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*