STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
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My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die