*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
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Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
#NeverForget
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas