My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
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I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit