I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
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Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Well, this certainly took a turn
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Sunday
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
mathematically impossible
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.