Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
You Might Also Like
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
How it started How it’s going
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.