FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
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ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao