Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
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Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it