I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
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Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
2 years later
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?