If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
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[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
#math
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels