“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
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Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?