Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
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I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
One venti cheeseburger please.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
so this horse walks into a bar
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?