The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
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I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.