It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
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BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.