Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
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If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
🍞🦆
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
“Great, now I have to pee.”