[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
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“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”