me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
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I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
The legends speak of a third Duran…
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.