listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
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[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning