All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
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[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.