I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
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my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
pls suprot
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
My dryer is celebrating lint.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I am also baked goods
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?