*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
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[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.