A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
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They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it