Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
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WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Still cracks me up
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,