If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
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*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.