date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
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The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I laughed at this way too hard.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?