First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
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nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
How funny!
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.