Don’t forget to tip your server
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ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*