I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
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“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?