The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
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Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Mornin. * use accordingly
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow