I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
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Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
the composer
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”