I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
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VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?