Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
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“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Whoa… oh I see lol
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man