Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
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i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
FINE, I WON’T.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.