There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
You Might Also Like
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
My dad is at it again
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several