Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
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I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
“Huge”.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Encore…
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.