I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
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Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.