I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
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*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them