Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
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Probably my best painting.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.