I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
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I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month